The Torment
by Amcm74
Summary: Goku is a sweet hearted goof with the power to destroy planets. Is that what you think when you see that grin? Do you really know his character? I hope after reading this you come away with a whole new outlook!


I do not own Dragonball/Z/GT. It's pretty obvious isn't it? I don't have any rights to it, but if I did (insert evil laughter here!) Thanks to Barb my wonderful beta reader, and Sue for the title I just could not come up with.

**The Torment**

It's still in there. Always has been, within me, for as long as I can remember. Something so familiar and yet unreachable, it was akin to a childhood memory. Someday, I promised myself, I would be free of the darkness which lays dormant within me. Control, vigilance, and sacrifice, these were the things that would be my salvation. My training depended upon them. They were supposed to keep me from being the monster only I knew I really was.

Opening my dark eyes, that always seemed to match the blackness that stirred within, I felt the breeze rustle through my hair. It seemed as if the tender calming touch of the Earth itself was trying to sooth her greatest champion. Perhaps she too knew of the danger that lay within. I cast a glance around. I was alone, or so it always seemed. Here I was deep in the wilderness, far from any of those who loved, or cared about me. This was the kind of place I strived to be. This was where I felt the safest. This was where I could truly become myself without any worry that a simple slip of my emotion would bring harm.

I never had a name for the spirit that drove me to new heights of power. I had remained blissfully unaware. That is until my brother had arrived. Without warning.

When Radditz appeared before me I didn't fear. He was like any other challenge that had come before me thus far. That was until he said the name that called out to my dark side. It rang in my ears like the distant sound of church bells. The beast had shifted and stirred within me for the first time in my memory. Kakkarot was awakened and the damage to my soul, in that mere moment, was irrevocably, invisibly done. Even now the name gave me a rush that I am loath to admit, but will never grow tired of. To hear his name after so long asleep, it was like an evil incantation calling him forth. I fought it at first, my all-consuming urge for denial driving me deeper into an act of ignorance. This false lack of knowledge that has now become more a part of my personality than just a shield, as it was intended to be. I never wanted to feel that sensation again. Cold, dark and unfeeling, that is what the spirit harbored deep in my soul was.

A deep sigh escapes me, as I wrap my arms around my knees. There is nowhere I can hide, no avenue I have not tried, to rid myself of the burden I carry. Burying my face, I will myself not to give way to the despondency threatening to choke the last vestiges of my hope. All I ever wanted was to do the right thing. To protect this planet, and those that lived here. Now, just to accomplish that goal, I was nearly reduced to the seclusion befitting the life of a hermit.

Vegeta… Meeting him had been a delight to nearly all of my senses. I could tell the beast within me was proud, and honored, to merely stand in the Saiyan Prince's presence. I had to beat him back with every ounce of my will when Vegeta offered me a chance to fight at his side. The temptation had nearly overcome me then. I could still feel the shaking of my legs and the waves of excitement that threatened to drown me forever. Kakkarot drove forward reaching to his goal. I had reached out as well. I clung to memories and thoughts of my friends and my family in those dark moments. I had never known such weakness in my physical body as I did in my spirit that day. Had Vegeta been a bit more persistent in his efforts, I really don't believe I would have withstood it. To bring more shame upon me, I didn't battle my best. Kakkarot would not grant me the power to hit Vegeta with all I had, his Saiyan honor blocking me.

I am ever thankful to Kami for Gohan, just as I could have cursed myself for sparing Vegeta's life. A challenge, I had said. Was there any depth that the beast within me would not stoop to just to achieve his own desires?

Ok so maybe I was not being fair. Kakkarot was Saiyan. He was born on planet Vegeta and he had been programmed to be a killer starting at the instant of his birth. While I, Goku, had come to be months later, on my precious Earth. So who am I? It always came down to that. Did I really have the right to steal away Kakkarot's body and will? In light of the alternative I jealously hoard almost all control. But as time slips by before me, I am losing my hold on Kakkarot. He comes out more and more within my actions. He has even been granted his own voice, a disturbing reality that haunts me daily. At first it was merely flashes of feelings that I could shake off. Those feelings giving way to thoughts, and thoughts giving way to whispers, then it grew to a nagging second voice. He delights in battling with me on every choice he differs opinion with. That would not seem so bad despite one fact. We rarely agree. But those few times we do…

Frieza, I wanted him dead for killing Krillin. Kakkarot just wanted an excuse to kill. He tempted me with these thoughts from the first moment we stood before the foul being. He knew that the universal tyrant was never going to change. Yet I saw no difference between the evil before me and that, which dwelled within me. The warnings had been there and yet I fought them, just as I always fought Kakkarot. I wish that I had listened to Kakkarot's words sooner. If I had just let myself slide back into the warm dark embrace earlier it wouldn't have been so horrible. Everyone that was injured or killed there was entirely my fault. My fault because I didn't heed the warnings, that my paranoia over Kakkarot gaining control would mean the end of me, and all I loved. It came down to the failed spirit bomb, and Krillin paying the ultimate price for my inability to act. I could not handle the guilt that loomed before me. The one thing I desperately tried to keep from happening happened anyway. Some one I cared for, gone. In that moment I accepted Kakkarot into me, I transformed. I had never felt so powerful. I know he felt it as well, that first taste of freedom in over two decades. I still tremble when I think about it. I was so foolish to think I could control him.

We battled Frieza together, as I battled him alone. I was sure that allowing myself to be killed with Namek was the only choice left. Kakkarot was free, and any hope of his receding and disappearing from existence was gone forever. There was a glimmer of hope as I pulled him off Frieza. If I could just fly away and leave Frieza alive there was a chance, there was hope. That stupid fucking bastard, Frieza, had to take the power I had tried so valiantly to supply, and attack us. It was then Kakkarot had slapped me aside. I don't know if it was because I was so weakened from the battle on both fronts, or that Kakkarot was so enraged that he was pulling out the stops. He turned on Frieza, with the full force of his rage, and it was not even Frieza he had been angry with, no it was I. The usurper that had taken hold of his mind and body. The one who had held him imprisoned, the one who had planned our death so eloquently. Never once did I feel fear from him as he struggled to find a way off that dying world. It was like he knew we would survive. Like he would not allow any less. It was eerie the way he took control, going after every avenue of escape. I thought I had done it. I was sure we were as good as dead, but he succeeded in ensuring our escape from Namek.

When I finally got control back, one thing was clearer than crystal to me, if Kakkarot could get away from such a hopeless situation, what hope did I have to hold him back?

Yardrat was a struggle in itself. I didn't want to hurt the beings that lived there, and yet I could not bring myself to return home. How could I? Kakkarot had been awakened once. What if he had decided to come out again? The longing to train was there, and for a while I resisted it. My body started to ache, and I found out before long that I could not stop. Fighting was all I had, all I was. Like a double edged sword, all I had worked so hard to achieve in my life could very well be my own destruction. The people of Yardrat saw my turmoil. It was then one of the elders offered to teach me an ancient technique I called the instant transmission.

I lifted my head and stared out at the Earth that sprawled out before me. I never was a great thinker. I was so overjoyed to think that I could just use the technique keep Kakkarot from hurting anyone. All I would have to do was Instant transmission away and everyone would be safe. Good plan! Great plan! Yeah, sure, until I was back on Earth and it hit me that Kakkarot had learned what I learned. Once again I made him even more deadly, with out even realizing it. All my efforts were so easily thwarted.

The day I returned and met Trunks I felt Kakkarot rear and churn within me. Seeing Trunks achieve the super Saiyan level pricked some sort of jealous ego within him. Even as he spoke of the evil androids and my death, all I could see before me was the image of clasping one hand around the boys throat and crushing the life from him. Kakkarot snarled within me "_A virus! I cant be killed my a mere virus._" I knew that it was more than possible, so I ignored him and forced my attention to Trunks. It was an ominous prediction of a horrific fate. As I pondered the challenge, Kakkarot tempted me again.

Standing there among my friends as they looked at me with adoring eyes. How could they look at me and not see it. They trusted me, cared for me, loved me, and the blackness that was in me knew only disgust for them all. Their mere existence a painful reminder to Kakkarot the he had failed in his task to purge the planet.

At that moment I decided to ask Piccolo to come train with me. It gave me a small sense of security to know that the Namek would be there to protect Gohan if I snapped. There was no telling what Kakkarot would do to my family.

I came to my feet, and felt like my skin was crawling. Here I stood in these wondrous and peaceful surroundings, and all I could feel was the irritation with it. My stomach rumbled and I knew I was hungry. Well, what else was new? Sadly though, in my present state I could not risk a return home. It would take days of mediation and training to lift me from my despondency. The last thing I needed was Chichi to start venting on me in my current condition. Kakkarot would love that chance to "deal" with her. I shiver in revulsion, and remind myself that it's not me who has these thoughts and desires. It's not me.

The time I learned the most about Kakkarot was on New Vegeta, while I was hunting for the Legendary Super Saiyan. If Vegeta even suspected what I knew to be true, he would come at me with all he had. It would no longer matter if I was stronger, or more skilled. There was no way he would allow the true Legendary Super Saiyan to live.

It could be arrogant pride on my part, but sincerely I doubt that. Brolli and Kakkarot had been born on the same day. I believe that was no mere coincidence. While my power level was deceptively low, Brolli, on the other hand, stuck out like a sore thumb. I believe that Brolli as a cosmic diversion. He would be and was identified as the legendary, and executed. If not for Frieza's inference that day he would have remained that way. Kakkarot with his pathetic power level had grown into… me. My ability, although not as immediately flashy as Brolli's, was more subtle and infinitely more dangerous. It has become apparent to me that I gain power faster than other Saiyans…

Saiyan power comes from near death experiences. The more you beat them with out actually killing them the more powerful they become. I seem to do this at an expanded rate. Had I been raised as a Saiyan warrior, there is no telling just how powerful I would have become. The sad fact was I was still achieving more power. I could not stop myself from training, but every ounce of power I achieve only makes my situation all the more critical.

In Cell I saw my way out. What I had failed to achieve on Namek could be done through him. When I entered the room of spirit and time I was driven to make Gohan as powerful as I knew he could become. It was imperative that he be able to defeat me. If Cell failed to kill me, then I would be secure in the knowledge that Gohan could handle Kakkarot if he ever gained control of this body.

I didn't want to die, but it seemed like fate had agreed with me that this was the only way to protect my world. When Cell blew himself up with power, I felt almost relieved. It killed me that those around me saw my sacrifice as noble. Now that was a load of crock if I had ever heard it. It was an escape. I knew from my previous experience that Kakkarot would practically disappear upon my death. I have no idea where he goes when we die, but I am certain that his essence would not be allowed to dwell in other world. King Yema and King Kai never mentioned to me, and I didn't dare ask. I really didn't want or care to know. He was gone. I was free. That was what really mattered.

Years of peace mellowed me to the threat Kakkarot presented. I jumped at the chance to return home for the World Martial Arts Tournament. Sometime I really think I am actually more stupid than I pretend to be. What was I thinking!

The moment my feet hit the Earth, he was there. The first thing to greet me was his presence. After those blissful years training my body, I realized my mind was weak. Kakkarot was as strong as ever. I wasn't given anytime to gain my composure before my friends and family descended on me with their warm welcomes, and affectionate actions. What should have been a heart-warming reunion left me dreaming only of escape.

I vowed that I would not show any of them my true power. Turning Super Saiyan had been like dangling a brass ring before Kakkarot in my last life. On this visit he would pull out all the stops if he realized the new extend of our power. I had to hide it from him. I could not battle as a Super Saiyan three.

It would seem that I lived a cursed life. Why else would this tournament of all the possible ones in the past would the fates deem this one to be where Babidi would seek the power for Majinn Buu?

I followed Shin's words and held back as the evil henchmen stole power from Gohan. Kakkarot merely chuckled deep within me. He knew I would slip. I too realized that with my son in danger there was more than a slight chance of that. Still, duty and honor demanded that I follow Shin. Truly this Buu was no were near as menacing as the one who tormented me. My plan was simple. I would suppress my powers, and fight to the very least of my ability. Vegeta and Gohan were here. They were strong. They could handle this threat without any great interference from me.

My hope crumbled as I watched Vegeta fall under Babidi's evil magic. Kakkarot was in his glory. Vegeta challenged us, and it was all it took for him lunge at the battle. My sense of disappointment with Vegeta only seemed to bring Kakkarot ever closer to the surface. How could Vegeta be doing this? I watched as he prepared to blast me on the tournament floor and found myself in a lose, lose scenario. If I used the power that was needed to hold this back Kakkarot was sure to tap into the true depth of our capability. If I didn't hold it back people would be hurt.

Kakkarot made a move I never suspected. Always before he had baited me to use my power to its fullest. Now he weakened me. I was pinned within myself. I knew that with Vegeta's new power, and my inability to control Kakkarot I was lost. The blast threw me to the side and all I could hear was the ringing laughter echoing cruelly within my mind. I looked over at the devastation. To the place hundreds of innocent people once sat, now gone.

I trembled with rage that was for once my own. I wanted to look away, but Kakkarot held me focused, fixated on my worse nightmare. I turned to rebuke Vegeta for his actions, but it was me I hated at this moment. I had no one to blame but myself. It was my fault. I should never have returned.

Vegeta pressed in on me with his words, while the darkness loomed. I had no idea how low I had slipped. And then, he spoke. For the first time Kakkarot used his voice, my voice, so all the world could hear. "How sad I didn't know you were weak enough to allow yourself to be controlled."

Vegeta fell head long for a trap; a trap that was set for me. I fought… Kami knows I did, but slowly my control slipped away. Kakkarot's eagerness to probe the true extent of our power giving him the will, the desire, and the ability to suppress me. From my wavering vantage point I could hear Shin begging me to stop. I was powerless as Kakkarot baited Vegeta some more, trying to ensure his continued control.

I heard Vegeta speaking from a far away place, but could make out very little of what he was saying. Kakkarot faced his prince, only Shin's futile words standing between them and a glorious battle.

Shin's greatest error was to call that monster by my name. In Kakkarot's eyes the Supreme Kai's life was worthless in that instant. There was no respect, no remorse as he brought his hand up. I tried to slow his movements. I fought. I struggled, like I never had before.

I snapped from my remembrance and shook my head. The light of day was fading and I frowned, realizing how long I had been pondering on my dark thoughts. I really should not let myself get like this. It wasn't good for me, or the Earth. Too much depended on my complete and utter control. Still there was much to learn from the experience with Kakkarot. I now knew that I could lose control and reclaim it. It had always been a hidden fear of mine that once I went under I would never be able to come back up.

How I had slipped that day. It was the closest, as yet, I had come to giving in to Kakkarot. Each choice that stretched out before me was cut off as I tried repressing my power. All I wanted was to escape back to Other World. I spent my time trying to find someone, anyone, to take care of Buu instead of me. When I was informed that Gohan and Vegeta were gone the feeling was indescribable. Kakkarot rejoiced as I panicked. Here I was the last best hope for the universe, and I was having a nervous break down. It was not like I was scared to die. Fuck, I was already dead!

I was grasping at straws when I decided to teach Trunks and Goten the fusion dance. I know the chances of them perfecting it in time was slim, but if the did they had a good chance of defeating Buu.

Kakkarot wanted me to face him. He knew that at this point we were easily capable of beating him. He had no idea the true extent of the power that I had achieved in his absence, but he was intrigued enough. When the opportunity to stall Majinn Buu and Babidi presented itself I had little choice. I had to defend Trunks. If Buu were to get to Vegeta's son first, there would be no choice for me, but to battle Buu all out.

When I faced the evil duo I never dreamed I would end up transforming into my Super Saiyan three form. Kakkarot really enjoyed the fight. Why wouldn't he? He knew there wasn't a hope in the universe of this threat defeating him. Not to mention the free showing he got of our powers.

When I returned to the look out I was beat. Holding him back was burning every muscle and joint in my body. I reached out telepathically to Baba, instructing her that I HAD to return to other world. There was no time. At best I could hold Kakkarot off for an hour, _at best_.

When Piccolo called me on why I didn't try my hardest to defeat Majinn Buu I almost told him the truth. I almost confessed that in Buu's demise, a villain that was within me would awake, one that was far more ruthless and evil. That Kakkarot would have complete and utter control of my body and power.

Instead I merely answered with "By all accounts I shouldn't even be here in this world." How I wished I wasn't. "It's not my place to do that." I stopped for a moment before adding, "Even if I did somehow defeat Majinn Buu, he would not be the last villain to terrorize the Earth." It was sheer agony to admit it, but I added. "And then who would be around to save it."

I spent my remaining time there with the son I never knew. Vegeta's son was definitely something to brag about, but Goten. Ahh, my little Goten was all I dreamed I could have been. The goodness and warmth radiated off him. It brought me the strength to fight Kakkarot. That was why, even knowing the danger, I could not deny him. When he looked at me with such delight and eagerness and asked me to become Super Saiyan Three I could not refuse. It cost me much, but it was all I would ever be able to give him of myself. I knew deep down it wasn't enough.

Baba took me out of there that day, and I was very happy to return. The sad look on Goten's face haunts me still. I imprinted it on my soul. I would forever remember that it was for people like him that I left.

If only my time on Earth had ended there. I realized belatedly that a storm was moving in on me. The wind picked up and pulled at the orange folds of my loosely hanging Gi. I knew I was about to get a little wet, but there were caves not too far off from where I trained. I would hold up there and blame the storm for my inability to return home in the morning. I began a slow trek through the foliage. I could have easily flown, but what reason was there to hurry?

As I walked I thought of the old supreme Kai, whose life I had been given. I would have refused. I wanted to refuse, but then the universe would have been destroyed anyway. Once again I was pulled down into a battle of my own making. It was time I faced it. My life sucked.

Using the Potara earrings was almost like a bad joke. I wasn't about to run crying about sharing my mind, body, and spirit with another entity. Although I had to admit I felt a little perturbed with it. Another person trapped in my torment. Hell while I was at it I might as well just start taking reservations.

I wasn't thrilled with the idea of Gohan being exposed to Kakkarot. He was my son and I loved him dearly, but there was no way he would withstand the abusive attacks I suffered on a constant basis. It was when Vegeta reappeared I came into acceptance. If anyone I knew was going to be able to handle his or her own it was he. Plus I knew first hand that Kakkarot did feel some reverence toward his Prince. It was perfect. At least I thought so.

A dark chuckle emerged and I halted my slow gait looking around. It took me a while to realize that it was me who had made the sound. I frowned.

"So how long have you been awake?" I growled. The silence was my only answer, but I could feel it there now. It explained the dark mood. "It's a good thing I decided not to return home, now isn't it." I picked up my pace. The tiny splatters of rain on my skin pressing me forward.

The years suppressing Kakkarot made it easy to hide him from Vegeta's awareness within Vegetto. I was overcome with relief that, after the battle with Buu, that Vegeta had not gathered or retained any images or memories that would lead him suspect. I had to admit though, since that time, Vegeta has been a different person toward me. I like to think he has grown past his bitter rivalry with me. It would kill me to know he harbored any knowledge of the battle I faced.

I came into the cave and sat on a rock. It was a lot colder than I had expected. It could have been my wet clothing, or the chill of the night. I shivered and wrapped my arms around my torso.

I had come far in the last ten years since Buu was destroyed, but Kakkarot remains in me. He is a nagging doubt, an uncertain future that leaves me uneasy.

I smiled now, because I finally have a plan. There is a hope out there now. I have sensed him from the moment he drew breath. Buu's reincarnation lives out there on this planet somewhere. I lean back and close my eyes. If I can find this boy, and train him to beat me, all my worries will be over. The fate of the universe can rest assured. With this thought drifting over my troubled mind, sweeping away all my fear I slowly begin to nod off.

The dark eyes flutter open and the relaxed smile is replaced by a challenging smirk. Turning his head to the driving storm that beats its through the darkness, Kakkarot chuckles. "Bring it on Goku. Bring it on."

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this look at a completely different, yet plausible Goku. When I write this piece it was with the sincere hopes someone would take this outlook and run with it! If you do, please let me know. I would greatly enjoy reading what you come up with. 3 AMCM74


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